What are the chances?

What are the chances of this leaf falling directly into my cup of tea? I mean, it's not like leaves are falling like crazy around here. Nor was I trying to catch them like my son yesterday with his baseball glove. It's not particularly windy today either. I was sitting here holding my cup. I saw a leaf fall in my peripheral. I looked down. And there it was, in my tea.

Right before this, I was gazing past the candle flickering on my table to our sloped and wooded back yard. I can't recall what I was thinking about exactly. I get lost in thought often. Perhaps I was thinking about the baby deer, still wearing her spots, exploring our neighbors' yard. Maybe it was our kitten, Chipanbotato, who seemed to be debating whether or not to climb the tree she got stuck in yesterday. Perhaps I wasn't thinking about anything but was simply enjoying this beautifully overcast, cool, kidless, and seemingly enchanting moment.

Whatever it was, this little leaf has my attention now. I can't figure out how it fell from the tree beside me, past my face, and directly into my cup. As I sit here with my mind blown contemplating all of the things that had to align for it to happen, I wonder if we sometimes approach the love of God this way. Like, maybe we think things in our lives need to align perfectly for us to have the chance to be known and loved by the God of the universe.

I've been on a journey of self-awareness for a while (I know, you're wondering what self-awareness has to do with leaves and God loving me, but stick with me for a minute). This last year or so, my journey became a bit more concentrated. Sometimes disheartening. Sometimes discouraging. Sometimes almost crushing. I might have even quit if there was a way to unlearn what I learned. Since real life doesn't work like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Men in Black, I didn't have the option; I had to keep trudging through myself.

It took a while, but I'm learning to give in to the flow and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me gently through these rocky waters, but still, I sometimes want to resist. "You can't have intimacy without vulnerability," He reminds me with His sweet whisper.

Today, I am thankful for those rapids. Through them, I've found the more aware I become of my insufficiencies, my flaws, and my bend towards being human-the more vulnerable I become to intimacy with Jesus. I mean, He already knows me totally and completely, so as I know me more fully, I can only understand His grace and His love for me at a deeper level than before.


The chance He knows and loves us, although mind-blowing, isn't slim. Unlike the leaf falling into my cup, needing everything to align just right, God doesn't need you to align anything. He already did. Heck, He may have even caused that leaf to fall right into my cup this morning to trigger thoughts of His love towards us, so I could tell you that there's a hundred percent chance He knows you, and He loves you.

I love the words Sarah Reeves sings to her Heavenly Father. "You know me better than I know myself, Your ways are higher than anything else, You have the plan far beyond all my wildest dreams. Just like You paint the fiery skies, You chose the color of my eyes. From the start until the end of time, You're in the details."

I hope you take a moment today to bask in His never-ending, perfect love for you. Not the squishy, fluffy, feel-good love. But the type of love you can build the foundation of your life on. Rather than wonder what the chances are that the God of the Universe could love you, live confidently knowing He not only loves you but always has your best interest in mind. He is with you in the struggle and the victory. This love sent His only son to die for you so you could live an abundant life in Him.



Here's to enchanting autumn days, leaves in teacups, and the reminder that we are fully known and fully loved.

What To Do When It Feels Like Jesus Is Passing You By

I sat down on my couch with my coffee to read my Bible. The bright sun cast shadows through the blinds of my living room, my baby crawled up on my lap and the Lord showed me something I can't keep to myself.

I'm reading through Mark since our Pastor is preaching from this book for our churches 'Savage Jesus' series. (Which has been one of my very favorite sermon series' of all times, but then, aren't they all?! Check it out here!)

Anyway, I got to Mark 6:48. The very last sentence in that verse says, 'And [Jesus] was about to pass by them.' That sentence was extremely uncomfortable for me to read.

See, the disciples are exhausted from life and ministry. Jesus sent them off in a boat ahead of Him so He could go to the hills to pray. It's the middle of the night, it's pitch black and storming, and they're in the middle of the sea. This wasn't just any old storm. Some of these guys were fishermen, they were used to storms. In this particular storm though, the Bible says that 'they were troubled and tormented in their rowing.'

I may not have ever been in a boat in the middle of the sea in a treacherous storm but I have found myself facing storms in life that I thought were going to take me out. One of which occurred shortly after this picture was taken.

I remember so vividly walking to the truck on that cool, crisp day at the end of November 2016. My husband was carrying our fourth babe (who was seven months old). Christmas just around the corner. We got to the truck and my husband paused for a moment and then proceeded to tell me that in four short weeks he wasn't going to have a job.

Those words stung my soul.

I was so confused. I felt like we had done what we were called to do. We moved states away from everyone and everything we knew with four kids 5 and under. We were being obedient to what the Lord was telling us to do. We were trying to make sense of it, I knew God was faithful, but I felt abandoned. I was so angry, so confused, and so heartbroken I just wanted to cuss. Instead, I cried.

Have you ever been there? Tired, but doing what you feel like you're supposed to do. Then comes a storm that is completely out of your control but seems to be controlling you. The kind you can't handle on your own; maybe it's unemployment, maybe it's a job transition, marital strife or divorce. Maybe it's health issues or family drama. Maybe it's the decisions your children are making that you know aren't best.

Maybe the disciples felt the same way? They were doing what Jesus told them to do; not what they thought they were supposed to do but what Jesus in the flesh literally told them to do. And they were doing the best they could. But they were exhausted. They were in the middle of the sea, in the middle of the night, and they didn't think they were going to make it.

Plot twist: Here comes Jesus walking on the water. Now they're not only troubled and tormented by the storm and don't think they're going to make it, but they're terrified of Jesus, who they've misidentified as a ghost.

Cue Mark 6:48 where '[Jesus] was about to pass by them'.

Really Jesus? Your disciples are horrified and you're about to pass by them? When I read this it didn't make any sense to me but I absolutely related to the feeling. You know? The one where you're in distress and it feels like He's passing you right by.

Hey God, I'm still here, doing what I feel like I'm supposed to do, trying to make the most of the middle. You said you would work all things together for my good, but I sure don't see it. I've been rowing for four miles in this massive storm with no end in sight, I'm tired and I'm pretty sure it's over.

'But immediately He talked with them and said, Take heart! I AM! Stop being alarmed and afraid.' (Mark 6:50)

Woah! Did you feel that thing rise up on the inside of you when you read that? That's called hope. Just when they couldn't go any further, just when exhaustion was setting in and they were about to give up, just when they couldn't take anymore and it seemed Jesus was going to pass right by them He showed up. Read it again!

'Take heart! I AM! Stop being alarmed and afraid.'

In other words, God's got this! Whatever we need, HE IS! Don't be scared!

Then Jesus got in the boat with them, and the wind stopped. I love this line from the Amplified translation, the wind 'sank to rest as if exhausted by its own beating.'

What an incredible reminder of who controls the storm that seems to be controlling us.

I AM does.

Six months after my husband's life-sucking announcement he was offered the job that the Lord had intended us to have from the beginning. Without that stormy season of our lives, we would not be in the position we are in now spiritually, personally or professionally. That season was one of uncomfortable growth, soul searching, and faith-testing. Since we're on the other side of the sea I can honestly say that I wouldn't change that storm for anything. I would not have been prepared for our season of life now had it not been for our experience then.

If you're not in the middle of a storm now, I hate to say it but one day you will be. When you find yourself there I hope you'll see the storm as an invitation to trust God at a deeper level. I hope that your eyes will be opened to see His love for you and you rest assured knowing that God works all things together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. I hope through it all you allow Him to reveal to you His true character. HE IS!

If you are experiencing a storm, I know it's easier said than done, but I challenge you to study, possess, and rest in His promises. (I don't know about you, but the rest part is especially hard for me, I am continually figuring out what this looks like.) Some things I do know though, His promises are yes and amen. He has plans to prosper you. You can actually be still while He fights for you. Listen while He guides you. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Have faith, your miracle is on the way. (Listen here for an incredible sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick about trusting God's timing.)

Praying and believing that your best is yet to come.

Christmas 2016

This Is All New To Me

Well. This is weird. I’ve been numbing for at least a week now. Getting lost in the routine and trying to stay on top of all of the things. You know, the back to school paperwork, laundry, school supplies, lunch-making and packing, new systems, homework, and the emotional states of all my children. In the meantime, I’ve been shoving down the emotions that try to fill my tear ducts. Until today. Today I’m giving myself space and grace to process it all. 

You see, three out of my four kids are now in school. And my 3 year old even gets to go to preschool on Tuesdays. You probably can’t guess what day today is. It’s Tuesday. The first Tuesday of the first full week of our new routine. The first day that I get to be by myself from 8:20-2:30. Also, the first day that I’m allowing myself to process.

Three years ago I had 4 kids five and under at home with me. It was there where I thought most of my dreams died. As dramatic as it sounds now, I thought that I would be changing diapers, wiping butts, doing endless loads of laundry and dishes, living that non-showered mom-bun life forever (said like the kid from Sandlot)! Forever! But here we are, on the other side, and not only are my dreams still there, they’ve been refined, that’s a story for a different day, though. Today my heart is mourning.

Here's my three years ago. Look how little!!!!!

I do have the tendency to ruminate, and today is even more than normal. The season I felt would never end, but tried my hardest to make the most of (because as hard as it was I knew one day I would miss it) is coming to a close. My world as I knew it is changing. And it’s weird. Now, I still get to have my youngest home for 2 more years (phew), but having her gone one day a week gives me a glimpse of things to come. Some of those things I’m looking forward to, like drinking the entirety of this coffee while it’s hot! But some of them are just sad.

My new Tuesday office at Groundwork Common with said hot coffee. 

The simplicity of keeping children alive morphed into the complexity of managing four very distinct people who are learning to navigate their very own journeys of life. Lazy mornings have turned into regimented routines ensuring everyone is fed, teeth brushed, lunches packed, backpacks packed, oh, and clothes on before 7:30am. Afternoon couch snuggle time at some point evolved into homework time. Spontaneous outdoor picnics now take place at a table in a school cafeteria. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, it’s just weird.

When I think back on the last 9 years of my life, when my baby bearing began, it’s hard not to wonder if I did everything I could while I had my babes home. I really tried but did I made the most of each moment? Did I teach my kids the right things in the right stages? Do they know how much I love them? Despite my efforts, did I do enough? Was I enough?

I mean, applesauce and tortilla chips are a healthy lunch, right?

Our pastor preached a sermon last weekend (I know, God’s timing is always perfect) called, ‘Trust me, I’m trying!’ This sermon was profound, refreshing and beautifully articulated the grace of our loving savior in the midst of our ‘try’. It is still deeply resonating with my heart.(I highly encourage you to watch it. You'll see my husband and me on the front row too!) Whether it’s a situation in our lives where we feel like we’re trying or one where we feel like we tried, how incredible is it that we can TRUST? I can trust that His grace is sufficient for every season of our lives. I’m learning not to put so much pressure on myself because my God is the one who makes things grow, not me. He has been so faithful and He won’t stop being faithful. I can look forward to this next season with wonder and look back into the last season trusting my gracious Heavenly Father. I have a feeling it will take a while to get used to navigating the back and forth in my brain but that’s life, isn’t it?

I promise, I’m fine. And no, I don’t want to have any more kids but if you’re a mama of littles, enjoy these days! Enjoy the simplicity, the binge Disney days, the snuggles, even the monotony. One day it’s over and you’ll wonder where it went. 

I hope when we look at our beautiful children we don't contemplate the what-if's and not-enough's but we remember all of the fun, the chaos and the exhaustion with fondness. I hope we rest assured knowing God has our past covered in grace and with Him the best is always ahead. But that doesn’t mean it's not a little bit sad too. 

This year's first day of school picture. Aren't they so presh?

I’d say I finally started processing and I think I’m going to be okay. I can be sad and expectant at the same time; anticipating the future and mourning the loss of a season all at once. I’m sure I’ll cry more, and probably do some rejoicing, (I mean I just got to drink a whole hot coffee in one sitting!), but for now I better lock it up, it's time to pick up my kiddos from school!

Here's to trying to make the most of all this because before I know it they’ll be driving themselves home from school. (Insert emoji with the big huge eyes, you know the one I’m talking about, right?)