Well. This is weird. I’ve been numbing for at least a week now. Getting lost in the routine and trying to stay on top of all of the things. You know, the back to school paperwork, laundry, school supplies, lunch-making and packing, new systems, homework, and the emotional states of all my children. In the meantime, I’ve been shoving down the emotions that try to fill my tear ducts. Until today. Today I’m giving myself space and grace to process it all.
You see, three out of my four kids are now in school. And my 3 year old even gets to go to preschool on Tuesdays. You probably can’t guess what day today is. It’s Tuesday. The first Tuesday of the first full week of our new routine. The first day that I get to be by myself from 8:20-2:30. Also, the first day that I’m allowing myself to process.
Three years ago I had 4 kids five and under at home with me. It was there where I thought most of my dreams died. As dramatic as it sounds now, I thought that I would be changing diapers, wiping butts, doing endless loads of laundry and dishes, living that non-showered mom-bun life forever (said like the kid from Sandlot)! Forever! But here we are, on the other side, and not only are my dreams still there, they’ve been refined, that’s a story for a different day, though. Today my heart is mourning.
I do have the tendency to ruminate, and today is even more than normal. The season I felt would never end, but tried my hardest to make the most of (because as hard as it was I knew one day I would miss it) is coming to a close. My world as I knew it is changing. And it’s weird. Now, I still get to have my youngest home for 2 more years (phew), but having her gone one day a week gives me a glimpse of things to come. Some of those things I’m looking forward to, like drinking the entirety of this coffee while it’s hot! But some of them are just sad.
You see, three out of my four kids are now in school. And my 3 year old even gets to go to preschool on Tuesdays. You probably can’t guess what day today is. It’s Tuesday. The first Tuesday of the first full week of our new routine. The first day that I get to be by myself from 8:20-2:30. Also, the first day that I’m allowing myself to process.
Three years ago I had 4 kids five and under at home with me. It was there where I thought most of my dreams died. As dramatic as it sounds now, I thought that I would be changing diapers, wiping butts, doing endless loads of laundry and dishes, living that non-showered mom-bun life forever (said like the kid from Sandlot)! Forever! But here we are, on the other side, and not only are my dreams still there, they’ve been refined, that’s a story for a different day, though. Today my heart is mourning.
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| Here's my three years ago. Look how little!!!!! |
I do have the tendency to ruminate, and today is even more than normal. The season I felt would never end, but tried my hardest to make the most of (because as hard as it was I knew one day I would miss it) is coming to a close. My world as I knew it is changing. And it’s weird. Now, I still get to have my youngest home for 2 more years (phew), but having her gone one day a week gives me a glimpse of things to come. Some of those things I’m looking forward to, like drinking the entirety of this coffee while it’s hot! But some of them are just sad.
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| My new Tuesday office at Groundwork Common with said hot coffee. |
The simplicity of keeping children alive morphed into the complexity of managing four very distinct people who are learning to navigate their very own journeys of life. Lazy mornings have turned into regimented routines ensuring everyone is fed, teeth brushed, lunches packed, backpacks packed, oh, and clothes on before 7:30am. Afternoon couch snuggle time at some point evolved into homework time. Spontaneous outdoor picnics now take place at a table in a school cafeteria. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, it’s just weird.
When I think back on the last 9 years of my life, when my baby bearing began, it’s hard not to wonder if I did everything I could while I had my babes home. I really tried but did I made the most of each moment? Did I teach my kids the right things in the right stages? Do they know how much I love them? Despite my efforts, did I do enough? Was I enough?
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| I mean, applesauce and tortilla chips are a healthy lunch, right? |
Our pastor preached a sermon last weekend (I know, God’s timing is always perfect) called, ‘Trust me, I’m trying!’ This sermon was profound, refreshing and beautifully articulated the grace of our loving savior in the midst of our ‘try’. It is still deeply resonating with my heart.(I highly encourage you to watch it. You'll see my husband and me on the front row too!) Whether it’s a situation in our lives where we feel like we’re trying or one where we feel like we tried, how incredible is it that we can TRUST? I can trust that His grace is sufficient for every season of our lives. I’m learning not to put so much pressure on myself because my God is the one who makes things grow, not me. He has been so faithful and He won’t stop being faithful. I can look forward to this next season with wonder and look back into the last season trusting my gracious Heavenly Father. I have a feeling it will take a while to get used to navigating the back and forth in my brain but that’s life, isn’t it?
I promise, I’m fine. And no, I don’t want to have any more kids but if you’re a mama of littles, enjoy these days! Enjoy the simplicity, the binge Disney days, the snuggles, even the monotony. One day it’s over and you’ll wonder where it went.
I hope when we look at our beautiful children we don't contemplate the what-if's and not-enough's but we remember all of the fun, the chaos and the exhaustion with fondness. I hope we rest assured knowing God has our past covered in grace and with Him the best is always ahead. But that doesn’t mean it's not a little bit sad too.
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| This year's first day of school picture. Aren't they so presh? |
I’d say I finally started processing and I think I’m going to be okay. I can be sad and expectant at the same time; anticipating the future and mourning the loss of a season all at once. I’m sure I’ll cry more, and probably do some rejoicing, (I mean I just got to drink a whole hot coffee in one sitting!), but for now I better lock it up, it's time to pick up my kiddos from school!
Here's to trying to make the most of all this because before I know it they’ll be driving themselves home from school. (Insert emoji with the big huge eyes, you know the one I’m talking about, right?)
