The Month I Wasn't Ready For

The month of October was one I’m not sure I ever could have been prepared for. I've had difficulty processing some of its unfortunate events; let alone articulate the sadness I am feeling after losing one of my friends. 

My beautiful friend right before my husband baptized her

My hope is that sharing my journey of how the Father of Mercy, and the God of all healing counsel is walking me through this I can come alongside someone else who is going through a seemingly unbearable situation too. (1 Corinthians 1:3-5)

The morning of my friend’s funeral I was fighting a funk. I wish I could say I was winning, but honestly I hardly had the energy to hold up my gloves to protect myself from the blows coming right at me. My husband stepped in to help me fight and encouraged me to read Psalm 77. 

I love how unfiltered David was with his feelings. He laid it all out there for the Lord knowing that God wasn’t intimidated by his feelings, doubts, or questions. Although the first half of this Psalm seems extremely hopeless, I found his transparency refreshing. 

But halfway through the Psalm David’s tone changes dramatically. He goes from expressing hopelessness, defeat and feeling abandoned to expressing gratitude by saying ‘Once again I’ll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts.’ 

Walking into the funeral that afternoon I realized that gratitude was the vehicle that was going to get me through this; and I didn’t have to ride alone. None of us do. I looked around and was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and immense sense of pride in the community God gave me to do life with.  The way they come together to care for each other through traumatic events is beyond amazing. The way they rally around the hurting and the broken as God restores what the devil stole is inspiring. The commitment they have to walking with people while God turns what was meant for evil into something beautiful is incredible. 

Despite some of the emotions I have been sorting, this morning I woke up overwhelmed to tears with gratitude. Gratitude for the dream I get to be a part of and the people I get to do it with. 

As followers of Christ we are all called to ministry. In ministry the highs are high and the lows are low; but we get to do life and ministry together as a community. In community the sweet becomes sweeter and the bitter becomes bearable. 

Our family is usually intentional about practicing gratitude but through this season I’m learning how gratitude becomes a weapon we use to fight against darkness, hopelessness, and confusion. We don’t have to understand everything in order to be grateful for something. 

Whether you’re going through a low season right now or are at a high point, I challenge you to practice gratitude; it is a weapon. Just like any weapon you have, in order for it to work you have to use it and the more you practice the easier it gets. I also challenge you to not only attend a local church but to jump in, serve and see what God can do through you. It is there you will get to do life the way God intended; together. 

Let Go

A few months ago I would have told you that one of my greatest fears in life was not reaching my full potential. I worried that I would not make the impact God intended me to make for the kingdom of heaven. That I would single handedly screw up the plans He had for me. This was such a fear that the pressure I put on myself caused anxiety, it brought unbearable stress, and even hopelessness. 

I got lost in the world of personal development, thinking I could develop myself to my fullest potential. I was constantly striving to be better but never measured up to my own expectations of myself. 

Hear me out, there is nothing wrong with personal development, but when you begin to rely on yourself to change you instead of the transforming power of Jesus, well, that’s when we have a problem

The Lord gently lead (and I’m confident will continue to lead) me on a journey of freedom from this. ‘The Me I Want to Be’ by John Ortberg dropped massive truth bombs on my puny perspective and spoke directly to my soul.

Ortberg says ‘"As you [move toward the best version of yourself], you glimpse for a moment why God made you. Only God knows your full potential, and he is guiding you toward that best version of yourself all the time. He has many tools and is never in a hurry. That can be frustrating for us, but even in our frustration, God is at work to produce patience in us. He never gets discouraged by how long it takes, and he delights every time you grow. Only God can see the 'best version of you,' and he is more concerned with you reaching your full potential than you are.

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. [Eph. 2:10]

You are not your handiwork; your life is not your project. Your life is God's project. God thought you up, and he knows what you were intended to be."

Are you kidding me? Don’t you just love God?

To solidify these truths the week after I read this He gave me a picture in worship. 

We were able to attend the live recording of Elevation Worship's new album Hallelujah Here Below. I can't remember the exact line to the song we were singing but I do remember the word 'throne' that triggered the following picture:

I was climbing to the top of an unrealistically tall ladder. The ladder wobbled with every step. There I stood shaking at the top, everything below me blurred into darkness in the distance, I was trying my hardest not to fall. And the Lord simply asked me, ‘Do you trust me?' I wanted to say yes, but if I truly trusted Him then I wouldn’t be experiencing anxiety about my future, I wouldn’t be distressed about the dreams in my heart going stagnant, and I wouldn’t be worried about missing out on all that God prepared for me. 

As I basked in His presence He sweetly convicted me of my sin. I was breaking the first commandment. I wasn’t blatantly worshiping a golden calf, but I was putting more weight on my ability to screw up my life than I was on trusting Him with my whole self, future and all. I was on the throne of my future, not Him. Do you know what that is? Idolatry.

In that moment I let go. I felt the butterflies in my stomach as I let myself fall backwards off of that ladder.

And guess what? 

God caught me.

Like He always has and He always will.

When I try to take control of outcomes and allow fear and anxiety into my thoughts, when I place myself on the throne of my future I'm simultaneously placing myself at the top of a really tall, very unstable ladder. At that point I have two choices; strive anxiously to stay there and wait for the imminent ending or choose to let go.

I've found myself re-visiting this picture when I attempt to be the god of my future. I'd love to invite you to visit it any time you need to!

When you start to question whether He is trustworthy, whether He’s faithful, or whether He has a plan, picture yourself on top of the highest ladder you can imagine and simply let go. Fall backwards. And rest assured, He will always catch you. Be encouraged. He will never, ever fail. His ways are higher, His thoughts are deeper, His plans are perfect, He created you on purpose and He will complete the work He began in you. 

Here's to letting go, trusting Him, and living life to the fullest!

Our REAL First Day of School

When I was a kid I loved back-to-school time! I loved back-to-school clothes shopping with my mom. I loved finding the best deals on school supplies and going from store to store with our whole family to get the best prices in town. I loved the anticipation and excitement that came from a new routine and new opportunities.

I wish I could say all of my kids shared the same excitement as me.

Our first day of school was a week and a half ago, and if you noticed, I still haven't posted our first day of school pictures. I took a few cute ones before we left the house but since the drop-off scene at school was so heart-wrenching I never posted them.

First, my kindergartener; he waltzed right in and sat down like he owned the place. We got him situated and he didn't even turn around to watch us leave. So, naturally, I start to tear up as we walk the hall to drop off my second grader with her two little sisters in tow.

We got all of her supplies and her little bin all situated and her tears started flowing. Trying to get her in that classroom was like trying to shove a camel through the eye of a needle. She wouldn't budge. (Sometime around here my husband snuck out so as not to be late to work.)

So here I am standing in the hallway, holding my two-year-old, while my 4-year-old is dancing to the music in her head and my sweet-spirited second grader is sitting against the wall crying uncontrollably as her new teacher is trying to console her. Because I didn't know the right thing to do I told her I loved her and I left, very quickly, for fear she would see me cry too.

I ducked behind a hallway, trying to compose myself while other parents walked by giving me that sympathy smile. I did a pretty good job until a friend of mine walked by. That's when I had to cover my face with my shirt for fear that she'd see me ugly cry right there in the middle of the elementary school hallway. She gave me a great mom-hug.

I secretly made sure she had calmed down and then we left. We got donuts and coffee with my mom-hug friend to try to keep our minds off of the first day of school.

That day I cried. I called the school. And I called one of my best friends, who also happens to be a therapist. (God knew I needed a best friend who is a therapist.)

I remember crying so hard I'm sure she couldn't understand what I was saying. I didn't want to cause my daughter to have trust issues, or for her to feel abandoned. I didn't want to break her spirit but I didn't know what else to do. I felt so helpless.

I don't remember exactly what she said but I remember the spirit of it:

My daughter knows that we love her and would never put her in harms way, she knows she is in a safe place, she knows that her class mates love her (because she already knew all but 3 of them), but she was experiencing discomfort. My friend reminded me that if we intervene every time our children are uncomfortable (in safe situations) then they will never learn how to deal with discomfort in real life. And if you've lived any amount of time you know there are situations, and even seasons, in real life that are very uncomfortable.

As I was replaying this event over and over the Lord reminded me of some of my own behaviors. I saw myself there, in my daughter's shoes, in the hallway, crouched down and feeling abandoned by the very one who brought me there.

You see, our word for the year is 'Growth'. (I've already picked 'Prosperity' for next year. Haha!) Guess what? Growth is uncomfortable. More than once this year have I found myself crouched on the floor in tears wondering where God went, wondering why I felt the way that I did, and wondering when it would be over and when I would sense His presence again.

We're not left alone but we're given space to be allowed to grow.

Can I be honest here? Okay good! The heaviness of ministry, the difficulties of parenting, the extremely disturbing season of self-awareness, the loneliness I felt on the inside from being away from family have, at times, left me feeling like I was operating at a deficit. I felt like my father took me to a place, and then he just left me there drowning in discomfort. Maybe you've been there?

The Lord reminded me that as hard as I was TRYING to do what was best for my daughter, He IS doing what's best for me. (See Matthew 7:11) He reminded me that He'll never leave me or forsake me. In this situation, He also reminded me that He'll never leave my daughter either, even though I had to.

Growing up is hard, raising kids is hard, and so is growing in our faith. But without learning how to navigate life's discomforts we would stay in a child-like state forever. Without uncomfortable times our trust and relationship with the Lord couldn't grow and we wouldn't have testimonies.

Through my doubts, my emotions, my questions I am learning to rest assured that He is working all things together for my good because He is a good, good father and He loves me. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He's not doing what's best for me.

Isn't it interesting that the times in our lives when we can be the most uncomfortable are the times in our lives when we see the most growth?

Although I don't hope for uncomfortable situations or seasons to arise I am learning to embrace them because I do know the kind of growth I will experience through them. And I do know that my God won't leave me but is faithful to complete the work He began in me. (Philippians 1:6) I can even trust Him with my childrens' discomforts. Knowing that I will fall short as a mother, but He never will as a father, and He loves my kids even more than I do.

That first-day-of-school I was on pins and needles all day. I cried. I could not focus on anything. Pick up time could not come soon enough. But when I did pick up my babes they both confidently strutted to our van like they kicked the first day of school's you-know-what. In our case sorrow came in the morning, but growth happened and joy came through in the afternoon!

Today I'm grateful for life's lessons taught to me by my Father, through my children.

The Truth About Friday's Family Fun Day

I had been planning this day for weeks. The last Friday before our kids went back to school meant our last day-long family fun day. I was sad but I was also bound to make the most of it.

First, we would wake up, AnDrew and I would have coffee on the porch and then we would go to our neighborhood pool for some swim time.

Then we would eat lunch and get ready to go back to school shoe shopping and stop for a surprise treat at Cookie Dough Bliss.

Finally, we would finish the day with pizza and a movie night.

Now that I read it back I picture Will Ferrell dressed up like an Elf reading it to me from an etch-a-sketch.

Here's what really happened:

Coffee on the porch was tense because we have 4 children who kept interrupting us wanting our attention. We didn't get to talk, and I didn't get to enjoy my coffee, so I cut it short and ran to the store.

When I got back the baby had drank over half of my iced vanilla latte, AnDrew (my husband) and I weren't on the same page and I didn't have the energy to get there so I steeped in my funkiness. And it took us an hour and a half to get ready for the pool.

But they sure were cute!

I had to take some deep breaths, talk to AnDrew and reset my attitude on the way to the pool. At this point it was only 11:30am. When we were there we had a great time...until our sweet ginger child decided to throw one of his famous tantrums. The baby also hit her afternoon wall but was confused because of all of the caffeine she drank so she was in a mood too. And my four year old was as emotional as a girl going through puberty.

We got home, had lunch, and instead of getting ready for shoe shopping we got ready for naps. I didn't smile much in the process. The youngest 2 took baths, the oldest 2 took showers and then the youngest 3 fought with all their might but you better believe they took naps. Praise the Lord for nap time!

At this time I let go of my expectations, because the day clearly wasn't going how I had planned. I drank a coffee (the whole one this time), took some more deep breaths, reset for the second time, and hung out with my oldest while my husband mowed the yard.

Decisions, decisions!

After nap we left for the special treat! Cookie Dough Bliss. The kids loved it, however, the sugar rush didn't help the shoe shopping process. My sweet ginger child threw yet another fit before we even got out of the car, my four year old couldn't stay still, I thought we lost the baby once, and I thought someone stole my phone at one point too. It was chaotic and, yet again, not as much fun as I had hoped. I wound up taking the youngest 2 back to the car to wait while daddy checked out with the oldest two and their new shoes.

She was the only one who behaved so, naturally, she's the only one I could take a picture of!

At home 3/4 of the kids threw a fit because they didn't want to watch the movie we picked out. We told them they could go to bed instead. I was tired and disappointed that my kids weren't super grateful for the day we just had.

Positivity is one of my top 5 strengths. (See Strengths Finder). So throughout the day I focused on the positives (hence the pictures and my Instastory). You know, the times when my kids weren't arguing or getting on my nerves. The times when they had wonder in their eyes instead of when they were acting like entitled teenagers. We had some great moments, but after I let myself be honest about the day, I was disappointed.

Guess who's fault that was?

Mine.

So you know what I did when the kids were watching the movie that they had initially thrown a fit about watching?

I started reading a parenting book.

In my almost 8 short years of parenting I have learned that if my kids are regularly on my nerves, or their behavior doesn't match the behavior that I expect, it is no ones fault but my own. It's my responsibility to develop their character and to train them. So if they're ungrateful and are acting entitled, guess what? It's my fault. If they are running around like crazy animals in the store and won't listen and obey, guess what? It's my fault.

The Lord gave me these little blessings to raise; He entrusted them to me, so the responsibility rests on me to train them up in the ways they should go and to develop their character. What do we believe? How do we act? How do we love and accept love? How do we take care of our bodies? How do we feel and process emotions?

The book I picked up last night says "If a person's character makeup determines his future, then child rearing is primarily about helping children to develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully."

I promise the books not called Bound with Kids! Haha! 

How am I supposed to know how to develop their character if I first don't develop my own and then train myself on how to develop theirs?

Part of being faithful with what God gave us is studying the subject, doing the best we can with what we've learned, applying it and ultimately devoting everything we do to God.

I'm grateful for an age where information is so easily accessible. I'm thankful for books like 'Boundaries with Kids,' and 'Have a New Kid by Friday,' among others. I'm grateful for all of the people who have gone before me who have also failed at times, but didn't quit because I can look to them for inspiration and advice.

Although I was disappointed, here's to family fun days that don't go as planned but that push us to continue to learn how to parent for the sake of our children's futures.