Our REAL First Day of School

When I was a kid I loved back-to-school time! I loved back-to-school clothes shopping with my mom. I loved finding the best deals on school supplies and going from store to store with our whole family to get the best prices in town. I loved the anticipation and excitement that came from a new routine and new opportunities.

I wish I could say all of my kids shared the same excitement as me.

Our first day of school was a week and a half ago, and if you noticed, I still haven't posted our first day of school pictures. I took a few cute ones before we left the house but since the drop-off scene at school was so heart-wrenching I never posted them.

First, my kindergartener; he waltzed right in and sat down like he owned the place. We got him situated and he didn't even turn around to watch us leave. So, naturally, I start to tear up as we walk the hall to drop off my second grader with her two little sisters in tow.

We got all of her supplies and her little bin all situated and her tears started flowing. Trying to get her in that classroom was like trying to shove a camel through the eye of a needle. She wouldn't budge. (Sometime around here my husband snuck out so as not to be late to work.)

So here I am standing in the hallway, holding my two-year-old, while my 4-year-old is dancing to the music in her head and my sweet-spirited second grader is sitting against the wall crying uncontrollably as her new teacher is trying to console her. Because I didn't know the right thing to do I told her I loved her and I left, very quickly, for fear she would see me cry too.

I ducked behind a hallway, trying to compose myself while other parents walked by giving me that sympathy smile. I did a pretty good job until a friend of mine walked by. That's when I had to cover my face with my shirt for fear that she'd see me ugly cry right there in the middle of the elementary school hallway. She gave me a great mom-hug.

I secretly made sure she had calmed down and then we left. We got donuts and coffee with my mom-hug friend to try to keep our minds off of the first day of school.

That day I cried. I called the school. And I called one of my best friends, who also happens to be a therapist. (God knew I needed a best friend who is a therapist.)

I remember crying so hard I'm sure she couldn't understand what I was saying. I didn't want to cause my daughter to have trust issues, or for her to feel abandoned. I didn't want to break her spirit but I didn't know what else to do. I felt so helpless.

I don't remember exactly what she said but I remember the spirit of it:

My daughter knows that we love her and would never put her in harms way, she knows she is in a safe place, she knows that her class mates love her (because she already knew all but 3 of them), but she was experiencing discomfort. My friend reminded me that if we intervene every time our children are uncomfortable (in safe situations) then they will never learn how to deal with discomfort in real life. And if you've lived any amount of time you know there are situations, and even seasons, in real life that are very uncomfortable.

As I was replaying this event over and over the Lord reminded me of some of my own behaviors. I saw myself there, in my daughter's shoes, in the hallway, crouched down and feeling abandoned by the very one who brought me there.

You see, our word for the year is 'Growth'. (I've already picked 'Prosperity' for next year. Haha!) Guess what? Growth is uncomfortable. More than once this year have I found myself crouched on the floor in tears wondering where God went, wondering why I felt the way that I did, and wondering when it would be over and when I would sense His presence again.

We're not left alone but we're given space to be allowed to grow.

Can I be honest here? Okay good! The heaviness of ministry, the difficulties of parenting, the extremely disturbing season of self-awareness, the loneliness I felt on the inside from being away from family have, at times, left me feeling like I was operating at a deficit. I felt like my father took me to a place, and then he just left me there drowning in discomfort. Maybe you've been there?

The Lord reminded me that as hard as I was TRYING to do what was best for my daughter, He IS doing what's best for me. (See Matthew 7:11) He reminded me that He'll never leave me or forsake me. In this situation, He also reminded me that He'll never leave my daughter either, even though I had to.

Growing up is hard, raising kids is hard, and so is growing in our faith. But without learning how to navigate life's discomforts we would stay in a child-like state forever. Without uncomfortable times our trust and relationship with the Lord couldn't grow and we wouldn't have testimonies.

Through my doubts, my emotions, my questions I am learning to rest assured that He is working all things together for my good because He is a good, good father and He loves me. Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He's not doing what's best for me.

Isn't it interesting that the times in our lives when we can be the most uncomfortable are the times in our lives when we see the most growth?

Although I don't hope for uncomfortable situations or seasons to arise I am learning to embrace them because I do know the kind of growth I will experience through them. And I do know that my God won't leave me but is faithful to complete the work He began in me. (Philippians 1:6) I can even trust Him with my childrens' discomforts. Knowing that I will fall short as a mother, but He never will as a father, and He loves my kids even more than I do.

That first-day-of-school I was on pins and needles all day. I cried. I could not focus on anything. Pick up time could not come soon enough. But when I did pick up my babes they both confidently strutted to our van like they kicked the first day of school's you-know-what. In our case sorrow came in the morning, but growth happened and joy came through in the afternoon!

Today I'm grateful for life's lessons taught to me by my Father, through my children.